The way we were

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They’ve stopped talking about the big bang experiment. Till yesterday we were pretty much flooded with stories about the CERN Scientists attempting to recreate the big bang just so that they could (in layman’s terms) “see what happens”. They received death threats. I was not surprised. Authorities suspect the threats originated from religious groups, depressed individuals, Mothers Against Accelerated Apocalypse (MAAA), the producers of Heroes, masked vigilantes and the average do-gooder… but I know better.

They originated from the offices of DC Comics.

After decades of dealing with the handiwork of Krona and the Anti-Monitor who put infinite earths into a crisis as a result of an attempt to recreate the big bang , a time-punching Superboy Prime trying to undo their work by replicating that effect and the occasional parallax infected Hal Jordan, the staff at DC came to two mind-numbing conclusions.

  1. Final Crisis could have been done for free and without effort had they only waited.
  2. They were now in danger of having their own origins retconned.

Somewhere in a rift between time and space All-Star Superman, Superman:Birthright, The Man of Steel, Superman: Red Son, Superman for All Seasons and The Man of Tomorrow are laughing out loud. “Take away our past as Superboy Earth 3 and our future as Superman of Earth-2, will you…. there you go… Alan Moore never wrote for DC! Hehahahahahahha!”

Then there’s guys like me who sensed opportunity. The world wasn’t going to end… only reality as we know it would change. I’d like to see a changed reality where my payslip has had an extra zero in it for the past 3 years. I could hound the firm for arrears and quit once I get it. People could finally rid themselves of embarrassing events that took place in the past. My experiment with an eyeliner moustache – never happened. Losing part of my luggage at a railway station in Bharuch – nope, I wasn’t there. My mother did not have the fright of her life and she was not with me on the “Super-Trooper”. My uncle’s kitchen never had swing doors, so the Dal incident involving my aunt didn’t take place either. Everyone is at peace with their past… or gets a shot at being Guy Pearce.

Anyway, the scientists flipped their big switch and nothing’s happened. Yet. Apparently, the small particles inside the Large Hadron Collider are picking up speed and we can expect something around mid-October. Sure, this means my annual appraisal may be rendered meaningless… but I figure there is still time for our Government and the media to get together and retcon, 1984 style, a bunch of things in national interest. For instance:

The state of the nation

The current state of the nation is largely on account of the inability of parliament to select a governance contractor. Extremely dissatisfied with the performance of the British (whom we had to kick out) we’ve been forced to govern ourselves since 1947. The Left keeps recommending the Chinese but since they were the ones who let the British into Bengal in 1757, no one’s listening to them. The Americans have expressed interest, the British are suing for unpaid dues and we’re suing them for theft, extortion, fraud, insider trading, graft (restaurant at Colaba named Churchill – coincidence?) and unpaid docking charges recoverable from the East India Company. Just when Parliament was about to hand over all forms of governance to Reliance Industries, the two Ambani brothers had a fallout.

Economy

We are rich… or we will be once our lawsuit with Britain is settled. After Indian mathematicians invented the Zero, they patented it.

Sports

During India’s second innings of the first test against Pakistan at Chennai in 1999, Sachin Tendulkar hits three consecutive sixes to get the 17 runs required to win the test. No one has called Sachin a choker ever since.

The world cup final in 2003 was a close finish. Though we still lost to Australia, Ricky Ponting scored a duck.

Milkha Singh and PT Usha came up with late bursts of speed in the dying moments of the race to finish third at their events in the Olympics. That increases our medals tally in the Olympics by two.

Cinema

Bollywood did not turn out any mainstream films between 1985 to 1995. All Films shot and released during that period were either experimental art-house movies or mass market made-for-video movies. The censor board was disbanded in 1986 after employees complained about the hazardous work conditions and the government realized that the films couldn’t get any worse. Former censor board employees now monitor civic cleanliness.

History

China has no claim to Arunachal Pradesh. The last time they tried to strike a claim we chucked them out. That got them so pissed they nearly stopped the Nuclear Deal with the US from going through.

I could go on but the real world version of me has to get back to work where he (till mid-October at least) has to face the everyday challenges of status reports and deadlines. Let me know how your retcon works out. Maybe you’ll end up as a contributor on this page.

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2 Responses to “The way we were”

  1. Aakaash Says:

    My past will be retconned to where I actually got dunked in radioactive water as a baby, leaving me (fashionably) scarred but with the powers to control the water in my body. This leaves me plenty hydrated at all times, leading me to drink 20 beers at a poker table without getting drunk, winning craploads off my “drunk and crazy” act and nary a hangover the next day.

  2. Anirban Says:

    I didn’t lose/ break/ spoil a Timex watch as a kid. It was a mystic watch that merged with my body and gave me this superhuman ability to be on time for everything.
    Last week I beat the shit out of the evil Mr. Deadline.

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